Nowadays the position of village idiot is more ceremonial; we laugh with the idiot, not at him, as the saying goes. The idiot must, therefore, be an accomplished actor. During the twentieth century the spread of education brought literacy to almost all, and concerns about a lowering in the standard of idiocy have been voiced. Even if one is merely imitating an idiot, one still has to possess a touch of the essence of idiocy, and few do these days, or so it is feared. I personally do not share this pessimism. The only time there has been a problem in recent years was when one idiot had to resign after being elected as Member of Parliament for the constituency of Gatshire West. There is no rule saying an idiot cannot be an MP, but the individual in question soon found it impossible to cope with the demands of the two jobs simultaneously.

Canvassing for the idiot elections officially begins on Hallowe’en. Then, apart from the Jack-o’-Lantern-carving, ghost-story-telling, apple-bobbing, digging-for-sweets-in-bran-tubs-with-one’s-mouth-ing and whatnot, the starting gun is fired in the village idiot election race and all those planning to stand must announce their intentions.

The day the result is declared is a momentous one in our calendar. The most recent is a typical example. The poll took place on the day after Boxing Day, as always. The station –there is only one, the village hall– opened at seven in the morning and shut at seven at night, giving the electorate twelve hours to mark its cross. Once voting had closed, an evening of revelry commenced. Much alcohol, primarily Jumble’s Ale, was consumed. A huge boar was roasted on a spit over a bonfire, around which a sizeable crowd gathered as some light snow began to fall.

Meanwhile, an energetic barn dance took place inside. A trio of fiddlers bowed and scraped their way through numerous sprightly tunes, to which those in a fit state for such things spun across the floor like tops. After these, a folk quintet called the Wild Oats Roguers (five merry men –a melodeonist, a guitarist, a harmonica player, someone on the pipe and tabor, and a lead singer who also played the tambourine), who had been ‘Highly Commended’ in the singing competition at the County Show the previous summer, gave lively renditions of some traditional favourites.